Did the NBA Just Forget to Include Basketball in the All-Star Game?

Because If I Wanted This Many Ads, I’d Just Watch YouTube Without Premium

You ever notice how the NBA All-Star Game used to be about basketball? You know, the thing they’re supposed to be good at? The thing we all tune in for? Back in the day, you had Magic tossing no-look passes, Jordan taking things personally, Shaq sending people into next week just for fun. Now? Now, it’s three hours of corporate synergy, Instagram skits, and guys jogging up and down the court like they’re clocking cardio minutes on an Apple Watch.

And let’s talk about the real MVP of the night: the commercials. They got more screen time than the actual game. I counted—42 minutes of basketball in a three-hour broadcast. That’s not a game. That’s an ad campaign with some layups mixed in. And even the players knew it. Did you see Shai Gilgeous-Alexander? That man had the face of someone who just realized he left his AirPods at home before a cross-country flight.

Then there’s Kevin Hart. Oh, Kevin Hart. Look, I get it—he’s everywhere. Like a meme that was funny the first time but now shows up on your timeline so much you start blocking people. I tuned in for the best basketball players in the world, not Kevin Hart Presents: The NBA All-Star Game Featuring Kevin Hart, Starring Kevin Hart, Written by and Produced by Kevin Hart. Who exactly asked for this? Was there a secret survey where we all voted for "More Kevin Hart, Less Basketball"? Because I don’t remember filling that out.

And the format. Oh, the format. It felt like a half-baked group project where nobody could agree on the rules. Four teams, weird target scores, and games ending before anyone even broke a sweat. Luka Doncic was out there like he accidentally walked into the wrong gym. It had the structure of a TikTok challenge, but somehow even less effort.

But my favorite part—oh, my absolute favorite part—was when the actual game started, and you realized defense was optional. Not even fake defense. Just five guys standing around like they were waiting for an Uber. At this point, the only thing guarding the rim was the Wi-Fi signal.

Look, I’m not saying I need Game 7-level intensity, but can we at least pretend this is an All-Star Game? A little effort? A little pride? Maybe fewer gimmicks and more actual basketball? Just a thought.

At this rate, next year’s game will be a TikTok dance-off where players shoot free throws in between crypto ads and AI-generated Kevin Hart monologues. And you know what? Maybe Kevin Hart will host that too.

I won’t be watching.